New Coke, Oliver North, 'Top Gun' and WWF

-Wednesday, November 9, 1994

Sonia Mansfield

Humor columnist for The Orion

I'm stuck in the '80s.

It has taken me awhile, but I have finally realized that I live in one decade and everyone else lives in another. I figured this out last night while playing with my Rubic's Cube. (By the way, I finally figured it out. You just peel off the stickers.)

I've noticed that our society isn't very original. First, we went through some 1950s phase where we were all listening to '50s music and acting like we were sexually repressed.

Then the 1960s peace, love, tye-dye and music that only sounds good while dabbling in other 1960s activities.

Then we were all disco dancing, wearing bell-bottoms, and talking about inflation. And now we are heading towards the '80s. So, you know what that means. Madonna has come full circle. She will start dressing like herself during her "Borderline" phase.

I wonder what it will be like when we hit the retro '90s. We will all dress grunge and listen to Stone Temple Pilots. Or will it be some sort of '70s/'90s mix where we wear bell bottoms, dance to Pearl Jam, and talk about how we need a republican in the White House.

The cool thing is when we finally hit the retro '80s phase I will be in style, because I never left. I know there are others, because I can never find "Cannonball Run" on Beta anymore. So I put together a list of signs that you are stuck in the '80s.

* You are looking for a Mortal Combat cartridge for your Atari 2600.

* "Let's go to Arby's."

* You are always on the lookout for "Rambo" on Beta.

* You carry around a slab of cardboard, because you never know when you are going to get "called out" and have to breakdance.

* You are always waiting for that new John Hughes movie.

* You've had your Jordache jeans pegged for so long your feet are numb.

* You still think Prince Charles and Princess Di are a couple to be admired.

* You are always on the lookout for "Top Gun" on Beta.

* You just bought "Thriller" on vinyl.

* You just found out that WWF wrestling is fake.

* You don't have the heart to take down your Molly Ringwald or Michael J. Fox poster.

* You voted for Oliver North.

* You think "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman" stars Martha Quinn.

* You can't take a joke about the Pope. (Oh wait, that's stuck in the 1880s).

* You just found out that Darth Vader is Luke's father.

* You still drink New Coke.

* You are always on the lookout for "Beverly Hills Cop" on Beta.

* You can never find cool songs like "The Reflex" or "Wake Me Up Before You Go-go" on your AM radio.

* You still think John Hinkley Jr. jokes are in bad taste.

* No matter how much you look you can never find "The Misfits of Science" or "Silver Spoons" in the prime time schedule.

* Your motto is "Greed is good."

* Every time someone even mentions "E.T." you start crying.

* You think Joe Montana has still got it.

* You are always looking for another Sally Field movie on Beta to add to your collection.

* You are camping overnight to get Live-Aid tickets.

* To this day you believe that if it is not a BMX it is not a bike.

* You ditch school with your best friend and your significant other and go to the top of Sears Tower, a museum, a fancy restaurant, a ball game, and sing "Twist and shout" in a parade. All the while dodging your older sister and the nosy principal who is breaking into your house.


Copyright (c) Wednesday, November 9, 1994 by The Orion